The time is coming

I've figured out when I'm leaving Ohio for Texas now. I plan to start the drive on Friday, May 6, arriving in Texas on Saturday, May 7. I'm truly excited to be coming back to the place I consider home. I can't wait to see what my future holds.

- C

A Quick Update

Haven't posted in a while, but it seems somewhat unnecessary now with mom gone. For the past five years this blog was mostly updates on her situation and how it affected me. Now I'm trying to transition it back to updates about my life, but it is difficult.

I'm planning to move back to Texas during the first part of May. I'm so excited to get back "home" to Texas. I've never felt I really fit in back here in Ohio and I've longed to get back to Texas. Don't get me wrong, I'd gladly have stayed here permanently if if meant mom was still around, but she's not, so it is time to move on.

My brother is finishing up moving back to the house tonight and tomorrow, so he'll be here with my dad when I leave. That makes me feel better about leaving for sure.

Well, that's about all I've got. Just wanted to post a quick update.

- C

Tap the brakes ...

After some heavy soul searching, I have decided that I'm not ready to move back to Texas permanently ... yet. There are still several things I need to do here in Ohio before I can move on. The most important of those is helping to decide on a headstone for mom's grave.

Instead of leaving permanently, on Feb. 25th I'm going to go ahead and drive down to Texas and I'm staying three weeks. Then, I'm going to come back to Ohio. We're going to pick out a headstone and get my brother moved back from his apartment to the house, as well as some other things that need done. At that point I'll likely be ready to make the move permanently. I'm thinking late Spring will be when I head down to Texas for good.

My friend told me that the offer she made to me stands, so I am just putting it off temporarily, not declining it. I'm still really excited to get back to Texas and re-start my life, but I need to finish grieving here first.

Transitioning

My life is changing again. I have always said I planned to return to Texas whenever my mom passed away. I would have staying in Ohio forever if it meant mom was still alive, but sadly that isn't the case. I just started trying to figure out how to get back to Texas a few days ago. I figured it would be at least a month or two, maybe more before I managed to get back down there. I had planned to send my resume to people and then try to package several interviews together in one or two weeks, so I could drive down and stay with friends while I interviewed.

I talked to a close friend from high school last night and she made me an offer I couldn't refuse. She and her husband have had some positive changes in their employment over the past few months and they needed a hand in helping get their son to and from places and someone to watch him at times. They offered to let me stay at their home rent free. I will be helping out with their son. As an added bonus, I am going to do some part-time marketing for his insurance agency so I can make some money as well. I'm really excited about the situation because it seems to be a win-win for everyone involved. It will allow me to be in the DFW area for interviews which will be a lot easier than trying to go back and forth. I don't even know if that would have ever worked.

So, I am packing up my car with whatever it will hold and I'm heading to the metroplex on Feb. 26. I can't wait to be home again.

Things are so different now

A few days have passed now since the funeral. Family and friends still call to check in, but not as often. My dad and brother have returned to work. I'm left here to sort through things during the days - and it is hard. Little things can bring on a reaction.

I was going through the items in her purse and found a Kohl's receipt from Dec. 19 - she was shopping just two weeks before her death! At first, it was upsetting that she could do that and now she's gone, but then I thought back to that day. I was the one that took her to Kohl's. I dropped her at the door because she didn't want me to go in with her (in case she found a Christmas present for me).

I waited in the car and pulled up when she was ready to go in about 10 minutes. She got in the car and she started crying. It was all she could do to shop for 10 minutes and it really got to her. When she was healthy, she always wanted to go, go, go. Now, she couldn't even really go to Kohl's for 10 minutes. It was really traumatic at the time, but now I see it as a sign from her that she was ready to go and she didn't want to live a life like that.

A few days later, while we were sitting in the living room, she asked me if it was terrible that she sometimes just wished she could fall asleep and not wake up. I assured her that it wasn't terrible and that it seemed perfectly normal to me.

So, with thoughts like that, I just have a little cry for a minute, think of how much she went through to stay with us as long as she did, and get back to work. That's what she would have wanted!

- C

It Is Done

I've made it through three of the most difficult days I will likely face in my life. We had the viewing for my mom on Wednesday. It was really hard to see her lifeless body again. Depending on where you were standing, she looked like herself, or she didn't. I know she is no longer in that shell, so that is what I had to rely on. I would be comfortable in saying there were probably between five and seven hundred people during the two hour (really was more like three and a half hour) viewing. She touched so many people. We were surrounded by friends, family and prayers. I haven't shook so many hands or hugged so many people in my life.

The funeral took place yesterday, Thursday, Jan. 6, 2011. It really was a beautiful service. The flowers were amazing and the casket we picked out was lovely. I didn't count, but there were at least a hundred people there, probably more. One of her nieces and one of her nephews were able to speak. I would have liked to, but I honestly didn't know what to say, and I don't think I would have been able to get more than a word or two out before I broke down. Her music was a mix of hymns and more current songs. She requested "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood, "Amazing Grace" - I chose the Susan Boyle version, and "It's True" by Ivan somebody. Dusty and I came up with the fourth song - "Song for Mama" by Boyz II Men. Boyz II Men probably aren't played at too many funerals, but the song really spoke to us. She really was the queen of our world.

My best friend from elementary school surprised me and showed up at the service. At the time  I was really just shaking hands and hugging people, somewhat in a daze, and not even really knowing who I was talking to. When I saw him, I was able to smile and I really appreciated him coming. I hadn't seen him since the mid-90s.

After the service at the funeral home, we made the five minute drive to the cemetery, where we had another short service (after all, it was cold out there!). It too was very nice and attended by many. She was laid to rest next to her still-born son and two plots away from her mother that died a little less than a year and a half ago.

From there, we went to my grandpa's church, where the congregation had prepared a feast fit for a king. Most of the people that attended the graveside service also followed to the church, so we were able to talk and reminisce about the great life she led and enjoy a time of fellowship and comfort.

So, while these days were so hard, they were also a great comfort. My mom will be so missed, but I know she is always with us. The coming days, weeks and months will surely bring times of sadness, but with friends and family, it will be lessened. In closing, I offer the words my mom wrote in her journal and the words that were used throughout her service. Love is Forever. God is Love.

- C

Arrangements

Today we went to the funeral home and made the arrangements for mom's services. She is being memorialized and buried in the town where she and my dad grew up and where most of our extended family lives. You can find her obituary here (http://www.willisfuneralhome.com/ - click on Vicki Johnson on the right of the page). Thanks again for reading and for all of your support over the past six years. I know mom is in a better place with no more suffering and no more pain.

Calling hours - 6 - 8 p.m. (eastern) on Wednesday, Jan. 5
Funeral - 11 a.m. (eastern) on Thursday, Jan. 6

The End

I just wanted to let everyone know that my mother passed away at about 8:05 p.m. eastern time tonight. She fought this awful disease of cancer for six years. She is my hero now and always. RIP Vicki Johnson - 1954 - 2011.

The battle is coming to a close

Oh, how I hate to write this post. My mom has battled for nearly six years now. She's had good times and bad times. She's been steadily declining for the past few weeks. Yesterday she really turned for the worse. She had absolutely no energy, was vomiting on occasion and just generally felt terrible. Then she became more and more confused and agitated. We had to make the difficult decision to call in hospice last night. Right now me, my brother and dad, as well as her father, sister, two brothers and two nieces are here. We don't know how long this might go on, but we are clearly nearing the end of her battle. So, if you can, please say a little prayer or give us some good thoughts as we deal with this.

A Quick Update

The new, larger stents seem to be helping. Mom's color is getting better. She went in to get her blood tested last Friday and goes again this Friday. If things have progressed well enough, she will probably be going in to get permanent metal stents inserted. They work better and last longer. She's still off and on when it comes to feeling good and she has no energy. If the stents do what we hope they will, she will probably start chemo soon (but she can't do that until the stents are draining the bile-rubin from her body, or else the chemo will be toxic to her). She tries to stay upbeat, but I can tell it is hard for her. I'll update again when I know more.

- C

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

Mom's situation took a downward turn over the past several days. Her color was getting yellow again and she was feeling worse. She had an appointment scheduled for Monday with her oncologist, so she saw him and he told her that her level had increased quite a bit, so the duct is blocked again. He told her that she would need to get an external drain put in. She was scheduled for a CT scan on Tuesday. We did that and then heard from her oncologist's office this morning that the vascular radiologist said that they couldn't do an external drain because of where the blockage is. So, now we are down to her going in and getting larger stents put in. It looks like this is our final option, so we are hoping and praying that this works. Thanks for listening. It helps to be able to write things down.

-C

Update

Mom is getting better. The level they are monitoring is going down slowly, but surely. She is still very fatigued, and has bouts of feeling back, but she has good times too. Once the level gets down to where it should be, we're hoping her energy comes back and the sickness goes away. Just wanted to drop a quick update for the readers!

- C

What a difference a week makes

So, here is a thought - doctors aren't always right. The hospital doctors had us all thinking my mom's time was short and we were nearing the end. We always kept some hope in reserve for her appointment with her real oncologist today. Well, come to find out, that was a good plan. He said that her liver is still functioning and the number they've been watching has continued to drop since they put the stent in (that is a good thing). He also said that the amazing thing is that the cancer hasn't changed since the last time they did a scan, which was in January, after she finished radiation. He said that blockage to her duct was likely caused by inflammation or scar tissue created by the radiation itself.

So, she is supposed to continue getting her blood work done each week to see if that number continues to decrease. If it levels off before it gets low enough, they may still have to consider putting in a drain to help it rid itself of the extra fluid.

Thank God for miracles! This is pretty amazing stuff. Last week at this time, we all thought she was going to die soon. This week, we have her oncologist saying to turn the "live" light back on because she's nowhere close to the end.

That's all for now!

- C

Things aren’t going well

Well, I knew one day I’d have to post bad news on here – I had just hoped it would be a lot further in the future.

Mom had to go into the hospital last week because she had been feeling fatigued for a couple of weeks and there was a noticeable yellow hue coming into her skin and eyes. She went to see her primary care doc, who ran blood tests, which showed her liver function was high. She contacted her oncologists office and they admitted her to Ohio State University Medical Center. She was there Wednesday through Saturday. On Friday they put stents in her liver to see if unblocking a bile duct would help to relieve her jaundice. It didn’t help immediately, but they sent her home and told her to get blood work done this week and then see her oncologist as scheduled on Monday, Sept. 20.

She hasn’t seemed to get any better since she’s been home and her fatigue seems to be increasing. We’re still hoping for the best, but the jaundice is not a good sign. She also has said that even if the oncologist says there are things to do, she isn’t sure she can go through chemotherapy or radiation again.

So, if you are so inclined, please pray for my mom and my family. If that’s not your thing – some good thoughts will work too. I will update this once I know more next week.

- C

Another update on my mom

Mom had an appointment with her oncologist on Monday. They did blood work to see how things looked. He said everything checked out pretty good, so she’s clear of any treatments until late September. At that point she’ll be getting a CT scan to see how things look, as well as the normal blood work.  So, all good for now and she gets to enjoy her Summer!

No more grandmothers

I lost my last grandmother last Friday (April 16). This one was my dad’s mom. I never thought both of my grandfathers (who were older than my grandmothers) would be around after their wives passed.

My grandma found out last month that she had lymphoma. She started chemotherapy on Thursday, April 15 and was expected to make a decent recovery. Unfortunately, her heart didn’t agree with that prognosis. She passed away in her bed at about 11:30 a.m. They said it was heart failure. My grandma had pretty specific final wishes and she had already planned it all out. She wanted to be cremated and she didn’t want a service. So, we did have a small, family-only viewing on Sunday and she was then sent on be cremated.

My grandfather isn’t in the best of health either, so we had to help him get into an assisted living establishment. We did that on Wednesday.It has been another tough time, but we’re all managing to get through it.

Just an update

Good afternoon readers. Just wanted to say hi. Actually, I just got a computer with Windows 7 and I wanted to try out this blog writer program to see if it works.

My grandpa (my mom’s dad) went in for a heart cath procedure last week and they discovered severe blockages, so he had open heart quadruple bypass on Wednesday of last week. He is doing great with the recovery and was actually able to go home on Saturday, which I found remarkable, considering the complexity of the surgery.

He is now resting at home and is doing fantastic. He should feel better than he did before he went in for the procedure before he knows it.

Mom is doing well. She’s got another month before she sees the oncologist again.

I’m leaving for a pretty cool trip next month. My cousin and I are driving his brother’s (my other cousin’s) jeep to San Diego. We are taking a northern scenic route and plan to see the Field of Dreams from the movie and Mt. Rushmore, among other sites. Should be exciting. I’ve never been through that portion of the country before.

That’s about it from here now. Talk to you soon!

-C

An Update

So sorry for the lack of updates. Mom finished her radiation in late January. She has been recovering from it since then. She's doing much better now - pretty much back to normal. She saw her oncologist on Tuesday and he said that they are just going to watch things for a while. The spots are showing little activity, so the radiation was effective and it continues for work for up to six months. She goes back in for blood work in two months and we'll see where to go from there. So, things are going pretty well for now.

- C

Mom's radiation

Hello all. Mom started her radiation yesterday, Dec. 2. She's doing it five days a week, for 30 treatments. She's also taking an oral chemotherapy pill which works in conjunction with the radiation. I took her to her second appointment today and will be taking her to most of them. It only takes about 15 minutes once they get her into the room to do it.

Unfortunately, she is already feeling sick and queasy. It looks like this is going to be a long, hard road, but hopefully one that leads to better days ahead.

I'll keep you all updated as we get further into the treatment regimen.

- C

Another update

Mom had her first appointment with the radiologist today. He threw her for a loop and suggested full blown radiation, rather than the seeding. He wants her to do radiation for 20 minutes a day, five days a week, for six weeks, starting on Nov. 30. She goes in on Wednesday for a CT scan to figure out exactly where to blast with the radiation.

This is a far cry from the one-time procedure of the radioactive seeding, but it is what he says gives the best chance of killing the cancer, so that's what she'll do.

That's all I've got for now. Thanks for reading and I hope you are all well.