Happy New Year!

I know I haven't posted in a while. Been pretty busy. I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas. I enjoyed both holidays with friends this year, as I was unable to return to Ohio for either. Tonight is New Year's Eve and I will be celebrating with a great group of friends.

The holidays have been hard in some ways. Of course, it was my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my mom. It was also my first time to spend the holidays without any of my family. I'm so lucky to have the friends I do here.

My mom's birthday would have been Dec. 29. In some ways that day was harder than the others. That was her day - not a holiday celebrated by all. I had some pretty hard times that day.

Today is the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death, and tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my mom's death. It is in some ways so hard to believe it has been a year, but in other ways, it seems like an eternity. Not a day goes by where I don't want to just pick up the phone and talk to her or give her a big hug. One day!

Happy New Year to you all and all my best for a great 2012!

- C

I'm Happy

As I sit here on Sunday night, getting ready to get into another work week, I realized I'm feeling something I haven't in a long time. I'm happy. Now obviously things aren't perfect. There are still troubles in my life. I miss my mom every day. There is something each and every day I wish I could tell her about the things going on in my life, some important, some completely trivial. I also miss my dad, brother and the rest of my family. But, for the first time since my mom passed, I really feel happy. I've got great friends, a good job and there is a lady of whom I'm very fond in my life. I know this post is pretty unimportant in the scheme of things, but it was just something I was feeling that I wanted to get written down.

Hello again!

Good morning, fine readers. I hadn't posted in a while and just wanted to check in and say hello. I've been at my new job for about a month now and so far, so good. Like all jobs, there are good and bad parts, but thus far, the good far outweighs the bad.

It's about time to gear up for the holidays now. Just over two weeks until Thanksgiving and then Christmas will be right around the corner. It sure it going to be different this year. I knew I wouldn't be going back to Ohio for Thanksgiving, but I had thought Christmas might be doable. Unfortunately, airline tickets are already outrageous for that time period, so I'll be staying in Texas for both holiday seasons this year. It will be strange to not be around family for the holidays for the first time in my life, but let's be honest, it would be strange even if I were there, with my mom not around any longer.

I've got great friends here, so I know I won't be alone and I'm going to do everything I can to enjoy the time. Just because the holidays will be different, it doesn't mean they have to be bad. I'm sure I'll have some sad times where missing mom will hurt a lot, but I don't plan on letting it consume me.

As the holidays get closer and closer, just remember to try not to stress so much and just enjoy the season and remember to tell your family how much you love them.

- C

I got a job!

The wait is over. I finally got a job. I think I'm starting on the 26th of Sept. I've been going through the process with this company for almost a month, so I'm glad it finally panned out! I'll be the public relations/marketing specialist for a small workforce management systems company. I'll be writing, editing, designing, tradeshowing, etc. Just what I wanted to do! I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it. That's all for now!

- C

Sorry for the lack of updates

I haven't been doing a good job of keeping up with this blog, but there really hasn't been that much to report. I'm still in Texas job hunting. I had an interview two Fridays ago and I found out last Wednesday that I did not get the position. I was still happy to have received a call and an interview though. Even unsuccessful interviews produce opportunities. I have a phone interview scheduled tomorrow morning and I have another in-person interview scheduled with another company on Friday. I'm hoping something comes out of at least one of them!

Beyond that, I've just been loving being back in Texas. Seeing friends, just hanging out. I missed this place!

Hopefully I'll have some good news to report here soon and my next post won't take so long to appear.

- C

An Update

Well, I've been back in Texas since May 7. I'm living in Arlington and I've enjoyed getting acclimated to my surroundings and being back where I can enjoy times with friends. I've been job hunting, but so far, nothing. If anyone had any suggestions, leads, etc., I'd love to hear from you.

The time is coming

I've figured out when I'm leaving Ohio for Texas now. I plan to start the drive on Friday, May 6, arriving in Texas on Saturday, May 7. I'm truly excited to be coming back to the place I consider home. I can't wait to see what my future holds.

- C

A Quick Update

Haven't posted in a while, but it seems somewhat unnecessary now with mom gone. For the past five years this blog was mostly updates on her situation and how it affected me. Now I'm trying to transition it back to updates about my life, but it is difficult.

I'm planning to move back to Texas during the first part of May. I'm so excited to get back "home" to Texas. I've never felt I really fit in back here in Ohio and I've longed to get back to Texas. Don't get me wrong, I'd gladly have stayed here permanently if if meant mom was still around, but she's not, so it is time to move on.

My brother is finishing up moving back to the house tonight and tomorrow, so he'll be here with my dad when I leave. That makes me feel better about leaving for sure.

Well, that's about all I've got. Just wanted to post a quick update.

- C

Tap the brakes ...

After some heavy soul searching, I have decided that I'm not ready to move back to Texas permanently ... yet. There are still several things I need to do here in Ohio before I can move on. The most important of those is helping to decide on a headstone for mom's grave.

Instead of leaving permanently, on Feb. 25th I'm going to go ahead and drive down to Texas and I'm staying three weeks. Then, I'm going to come back to Ohio. We're going to pick out a headstone and get my brother moved back from his apartment to the house, as well as some other things that need done. At that point I'll likely be ready to make the move permanently. I'm thinking late Spring will be when I head down to Texas for good.

My friend told me that the offer she made to me stands, so I am just putting it off temporarily, not declining it. I'm still really excited to get back to Texas and re-start my life, but I need to finish grieving here first.

Transitioning

My life is changing again. I have always said I planned to return to Texas whenever my mom passed away. I would have staying in Ohio forever if it meant mom was still alive, but sadly that isn't the case. I just started trying to figure out how to get back to Texas a few days ago. I figured it would be at least a month or two, maybe more before I managed to get back down there. I had planned to send my resume to people and then try to package several interviews together in one or two weeks, so I could drive down and stay with friends while I interviewed.

I talked to a close friend from high school last night and she made me an offer I couldn't refuse. She and her husband have had some positive changes in their employment over the past few months and they needed a hand in helping get their son to and from places and someone to watch him at times. They offered to let me stay at their home rent free. I will be helping out with their son. As an added bonus, I am going to do some part-time marketing for his insurance agency so I can make some money as well. I'm really excited about the situation because it seems to be a win-win for everyone involved. It will allow me to be in the DFW area for interviews which will be a lot easier than trying to go back and forth. I don't even know if that would have ever worked.

So, I am packing up my car with whatever it will hold and I'm heading to the metroplex on Feb. 26. I can't wait to be home again.

Things are so different now

A few days have passed now since the funeral. Family and friends still call to check in, but not as often. My dad and brother have returned to work. I'm left here to sort through things during the days - and it is hard. Little things can bring on a reaction.

I was going through the items in her purse and found a Kohl's receipt from Dec. 19 - she was shopping just two weeks before her death! At first, it was upsetting that she could do that and now she's gone, but then I thought back to that day. I was the one that took her to Kohl's. I dropped her at the door because she didn't want me to go in with her (in case she found a Christmas present for me).

I waited in the car and pulled up when she was ready to go in about 10 minutes. She got in the car and she started crying. It was all she could do to shop for 10 minutes and it really got to her. When she was healthy, she always wanted to go, go, go. Now, she couldn't even really go to Kohl's for 10 minutes. It was really traumatic at the time, but now I see it as a sign from her that she was ready to go and she didn't want to live a life like that.

A few days later, while we were sitting in the living room, she asked me if it was terrible that she sometimes just wished she could fall asleep and not wake up. I assured her that it wasn't terrible and that it seemed perfectly normal to me.

So, with thoughts like that, I just have a little cry for a minute, think of how much she went through to stay with us as long as she did, and get back to work. That's what she would have wanted!

- C

It Is Done

I've made it through three of the most difficult days I will likely face in my life. We had the viewing for my mom on Wednesday. It was really hard to see her lifeless body again. Depending on where you were standing, she looked like herself, or she didn't. I know she is no longer in that shell, so that is what I had to rely on. I would be comfortable in saying there were probably between five and seven hundred people during the two hour (really was more like three and a half hour) viewing. She touched so many people. We were surrounded by friends, family and prayers. I haven't shook so many hands or hugged so many people in my life.

The funeral took place yesterday, Thursday, Jan. 6, 2011. It really was a beautiful service. The flowers were amazing and the casket we picked out was lovely. I didn't count, but there were at least a hundred people there, probably more. One of her nieces and one of her nephews were able to speak. I would have liked to, but I honestly didn't know what to say, and I don't think I would have been able to get more than a word or two out before I broke down. Her music was a mix of hymns and more current songs. She requested "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood, "Amazing Grace" - I chose the Susan Boyle version, and "It's True" by Ivan somebody. Dusty and I came up with the fourth song - "Song for Mama" by Boyz II Men. Boyz II Men probably aren't played at too many funerals, but the song really spoke to us. She really was the queen of our world.

My best friend from elementary school surprised me and showed up at the service. At the time  I was really just shaking hands and hugging people, somewhat in a daze, and not even really knowing who I was talking to. When I saw him, I was able to smile and I really appreciated him coming. I hadn't seen him since the mid-90s.

After the service at the funeral home, we made the five minute drive to the cemetery, where we had another short service (after all, it was cold out there!). It too was very nice and attended by many. She was laid to rest next to her still-born son and two plots away from her mother that died a little less than a year and a half ago.

From there, we went to my grandpa's church, where the congregation had prepared a feast fit for a king. Most of the people that attended the graveside service also followed to the church, so we were able to talk and reminisce about the great life she led and enjoy a time of fellowship and comfort.

So, while these days were so hard, they were also a great comfort. My mom will be so missed, but I know she is always with us. The coming days, weeks and months will surely bring times of sadness, but with friends and family, it will be lessened. In closing, I offer the words my mom wrote in her journal and the words that were used throughout her service. Love is Forever. God is Love.

- C

Arrangements

Today we went to the funeral home and made the arrangements for mom's services. She is being memorialized and buried in the town where she and my dad grew up and where most of our extended family lives. You can find her obituary here (http://www.willisfuneralhome.com/ - click on Vicki Johnson on the right of the page). Thanks again for reading and for all of your support over the past six years. I know mom is in a better place with no more suffering and no more pain.

Calling hours - 6 - 8 p.m. (eastern) on Wednesday, Jan. 5
Funeral - 11 a.m. (eastern) on Thursday, Jan. 6

The End

I just wanted to let everyone know that my mother passed away at about 8:05 p.m. eastern time tonight. She fought this awful disease of cancer for six years. She is my hero now and always. RIP Vicki Johnson - 1954 - 2011.

The battle is coming to a close

Oh, how I hate to write this post. My mom has battled for nearly six years now. She's had good times and bad times. She's been steadily declining for the past few weeks. Yesterday she really turned for the worse. She had absolutely no energy, was vomiting on occasion and just generally felt terrible. Then she became more and more confused and agitated. We had to make the difficult decision to call in hospice last night. Right now me, my brother and dad, as well as her father, sister, two brothers and two nieces are here. We don't know how long this might go on, but we are clearly nearing the end of her battle. So, if you can, please say a little prayer or give us some good thoughts as we deal with this.