Things are so different now

A few days have passed now since the funeral. Family and friends still call to check in, but not as often. My dad and brother have returned to work. I'm left here to sort through things during the days - and it is hard. Little things can bring on a reaction.

I was going through the items in her purse and found a Kohl's receipt from Dec. 19 - she was shopping just two weeks before her death! At first, it was upsetting that she could do that and now she's gone, but then I thought back to that day. I was the one that took her to Kohl's. I dropped her at the door because she didn't want me to go in with her (in case she found a Christmas present for me).

I waited in the car and pulled up when she was ready to go in about 10 minutes. She got in the car and she started crying. It was all she could do to shop for 10 minutes and it really got to her. When she was healthy, she always wanted to go, go, go. Now, she couldn't even really go to Kohl's for 10 minutes. It was really traumatic at the time, but now I see it as a sign from her that she was ready to go and she didn't want to live a life like that.

A few days later, while we were sitting in the living room, she asked me if it was terrible that she sometimes just wished she could fall asleep and not wake up. I assured her that it wasn't terrible and that it seemed perfectly normal to me.

So, with thoughts like that, I just have a little cry for a minute, think of how much she went through to stay with us as long as she did, and get back to work. That's what she would have wanted!

- C